The Guarantee Nonsense
The use of the word "guaranteed" should not be taken to imply or suggest an actual guarantee. After all, the world could end the Monday after next and then where would your little search engine get you? Nowhere, that's where. Everyone would be too busy searching for "survivalist kits" and "can openers" and just annoyed if your site came up in a search. Heck, when they saw your fancy, schmancy site touting your eye pee status, they'd probably conclude that you're so bloated with success they should hunt you down and eat you. And then where would you be? That's right, eaten and in someone's small intestine.
Therefore, there's no guarantee. Only my word of honor as a flesh-loving cannibal. (Dibs on the rib meat.)